But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
