dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
