I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
