i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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