Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize