I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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