listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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