Swine flu. Run for my life!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
