whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
