Plan B is the new Plan A
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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