Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
