dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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