My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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