Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
