her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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