So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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