This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize