She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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