I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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