I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone came in the potted fern
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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