ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
