How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
