Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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