So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
