Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
