I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
