I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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