My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
