I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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