After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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