I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
