An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize