Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
