he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize