is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
