nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
