I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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