Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
