Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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