i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
