she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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