Umm I'm too high to move.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
