The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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