Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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