I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
