You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
