just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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