i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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