I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
