i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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