Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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