So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
