I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just blew my weed a kiss
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
