i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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