My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize