I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
