My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
