I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Four minutes until I can fart!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
