i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The air taste purple.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
