I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
this hospital has no fireball
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
